Joke thread - Post one
Let's see some funny jokes here - Keep it clean!!!
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
I piece of string walks into a bar. "Hey, we don't serve your kind here" shouts the barkeep. After a breif arguement the string leaves. Once outside he goes aroung the corner, makes himself into a square knot and ravles his ends. Walks back into the bar. "Hey" yells the bartender, "aren't you that string I just kicked out of here??" "Nope" Says the string. "I a frayed knot."
Tex and Slim are in town for a Saturday, sittin' and talkin'.
"Say, Tex, my old horse is all stove up. Won't eat, all humped up. Didn't you have one ge that way?"
"Yup" replies Tex.
"What'd you give him?"
"Turpentine," responds Tex.
"Turpentine?" Slims asks.
Following Saturday they're back in town.
"Say, Tex, remember me askin' about that horse?" Slim asks.
"Yup." Tex replies.
"And what'd you say you gave him?"
"Turpentine," Tex says, keeping this conversation going.
"Well, I gave mine turpentine, and he died," continues Slim.
"Yup. Mine did too," agrees Tex.
A tenderfoot was hiking up in the Smokies when an old mountaineer stepped out, holding a rifle and a "brown jug."
Offering the tourist the jug, he says, "Here, take a drink!"
"Uh, no thank you" stammers the tourist.
The mountaineer's eyes go steely. Offering the jug again, he emphasizes his point brandishing the rifle. "Take a drink!" he commands now.
Well, the tourister takes a swallow, gags and wheezes. "Man, that's powerful stuff" he wheezes.
The mountaineer takes the jug, and hands the tourister the rifle.
"Now, you hold the gun on me," he says gleefully.
Well I suck at jokes and don't know any clean ones so i'll tell the one on the pop sicle stick I just finished.
What do cobras study in college?
What did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall?
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
This from the late Justin Wilson:
The Cajun was hosting two bankers from way up north in Memphis on a duck hunt. He calls up a flight and the bankers blaze away, dropping two mallards. The sit there silent a moment.
"Well," declares on of the bankers, "Aren't you going to send the dog after those ducks?"
"Hokay," glumly responds the guide. "Phydeaux, (The dog is Cajun too) go out and git dem ducks."
The dog bounds over the side of the boat and trips lightly over the surface of the water, leaving little circles of waves where each paw touches the surface of the water. The dog gets the ducks, trips back and into the boat.
Now they get the feeding call, and another flock, and more gunfire. Two more mallards. And, after urging again, Phydeaux is sent after the dead ducks. Same as before, the dog barely gets his feet wet.
"I didn't say anything the first time because I thought it was a lie. But did you see that dog walk on water?" says on of the bankers.
"Man, what have you got here?" asks the second banker.
Sheepishly, the old Cajun guide admits, "Yeah, old Phydeaux has always bee mos' embaressin' to me. Never could teach that dog to swim."
Out in the grasslands of New Mexico, such as they are, near Shioprock, a rancher and his son were baling hay and filling the barn. The son was just starting to itch real good.
"Son," says the rancher, "Catch up your horse and ride over to the top of that bluff yonder and ask the old chief about the winter."
"O.K.", responds the son, glad for the break. He rides up to the top of the hill and encounters an old Navajo sitting there watching their work.
"Chief, my Pa wants me to ask you about the winter," the young man tells him.
"Much cold," grunts the chief.
The son rides back and tell his dad the Indian's response.
"Well, we'd better gather in a few more bales" observes the rancher. More back-breaking work and more bales are added.
"Son, go ask that chief again about the winter."
The son rides up again and querries the old Navajo. "Much cold. Snow come." the chief answers stoically.
When the son relays this information, the response is the same, more work. And, again, consult with the old Indian.
The son rides up and asks the same uestion again.
"Much cold. Much snow. Deep snow." is the reply.
Curious, the son has to ask, "How can you forecast the winter like this, what signs do you see?" politely asked the son.
The old Chief gestures toward the rancher's barn.
"White man put much hay in barn. Very cold winter."
That's pretty good
An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
The baliff called the next witness "The Court calls Colonel John Bodine."
A distinguished looking gentleman takes the stand. After giving his testimony, he is approached for cross examination. The attorney smiles broadly, and addressing the court, "Colonel Bodine, you're in the Army, or retired, I suppose?"
"The Air Force, then?"
"Perhaps it was the Marine Corps?"
"Well, you call yourself COLONEL, what does that mean?"
"Well, Sir, its kind of like the "Honorable" in front of your name. It doesn't mean a thing."
The Blonde and the Handgun
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up ... you're next!"
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Seņor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Pete and Sam had grown up together. Baseball was their life, both good pitchers. They played baseball at every chance. Sandlot (this before Little League) ball, high school, they played. Both played college baseball, graduated and went into major league. Now retired, they were both residents in the same old folk's home.
"Was there baseball in Heaven?" was a frequent topic of their discussion. They made it up that whichever one died first, he'd try to contact the other to resolve the question.
Not long after, Sam died.
After the funeral and a few days of mourning, Pete was sitting out on the lawn.
"Pete!" an almost inaudible voice called. "Pete!"
"Sam, is that you?"
"Yep. It is I. Pete, the Lord granted me this dispensation to contact you."
"Well, Sam, how it? I mean you're O.K. and everything? And, what about baseball up there?"
"Well, I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that there is baseball up here. We've got some of the greatest names of the game up Here. Never a rain-out. Its just great!"
"And the bad news?" asked Pete.
"You're Friday's starting pitcher."
footnote: My preacher was on his way to play for a minor league team when he answered the call to preach. He has told us several times of asking his Mama if there was baseball in Heaven. When she couldn't answer, he wasn't too sure he wanted to go there.
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
Here's one I stole from my cousin.
Hey, have any of you guys seen Stevie Wonder's kids? Well, it's ok if you haven't because neither has he.
Q: How do you make a cat bark like a dog?
A: Douse it with gasoline then throw a match to it.... WOOF!
Originally Posted by propellerhead
Gotta have at least 1 jok a day :-D
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
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