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  1. #51
    Shipwreck's Avatar
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    A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

    The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

    "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

    "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

    "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

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  3. #52
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    Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

    The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

    The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

    The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"

  4. #53
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    I like this one
    ---
    Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

    The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

    The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

    So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the airport.

    "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

    "Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

  5. #54
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    A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

    The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

    In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

    The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

    "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

    The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

    "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

    "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

  6. #55
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    A very dishevelled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean, ugly and nasty in EVERY sense of the word, woman, walks into Wallyworld with her two kids in tow.

    As she grabs a cart, the Wal-Mart Greeter, asks, "Are they twins"?

    "No," the woman snarls, "the oldest one, he's nine, and, the younger one, she's seven. Why, do you think they really look alike?"

    "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!!"

  7. #56
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    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

    After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

  8. #57
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    A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

    "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

    "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

    "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

    "Twenty-six," he said.

  9. #58
    Baldy's Avatar
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    Cool Elections.

    This says it all for me.


  10. #59
    Baldy's Avatar
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    Talking Read this..

    Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the
    woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer
    back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

    Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

    The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

    Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
    cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

    The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....

    (Get ready, this will kill ya),



    NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

  11. #60
    ruckus3008 is offline Junior Member
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    a man walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich. He walks to the bar and orders a beer. The ostrich asks for the same. The cat asks for half a beer and says that he isn't paying for it. The bartender serves their drinks. The next day the man walks in with the cat and the ostrich. The man and the ostrich order a beer. The cat orders half a beer and says he's not paying for it. The next day they come back. The bartender serves their drinks without them asking. The bartender then asks the man 'what's with the ostrich and the cat?' The man replies, 'a couple years ago I found a genie in a bottle. I wished for a chick with long leg and a tight pussy. I guess he misunderstood me.

  12. #61
    ruckus3008 is offline Junior Member
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    Bill and Greg are driving and are in a terrible car accident. Both cars are totalled. But both men are unhurt. Bill looks around his car and finds a bottle of whiskey unbroken inside. He takes the bottle to the Greg. He tells him 'this must be a sign. This is a 30 year old bottle of whiskey. Since we are alive and the bottle is intact we should have a drink.' Greg agrees and proceeds on taking a few large swigs. He passes it back to Bill. Bill then throws the bottle inside Gregs car. 'What are you doing?!?! Greg yells. 'Waiting for the cops.'

  13. #62
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    A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?

    Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

    Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

    Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

    Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

    Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

    Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

    Biker: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

    Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

    Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

    Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

    Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

    Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

    Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

  14. #63
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    The old man had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts,
    and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
    One evening, the old man decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
    He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
    As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping
    in his pond.
    As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
    At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to
    him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
    The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked,
    or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket,
    he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

  15. #64
    Dustoff '68 Guest

    Thumbs up Humor militaria...

    There is a Marine, Air Force Commando, a Navy SEAL, and an Army green beret sitting around a campfire telling each other how tough they are. The Marine says he can swim 50 miles with a full pack, and bite the head off a chicken. A marine is worth 5 other men. The AF Commando says he can singlehandedly clear a 5000 foot runway, and kill a man with his bare hands. One AF Commando is worth 10 other men. The Navy SEAL says that he can dive 150 feet in full gear with no breathing apparatus and that he is an expert in demolitions. One Navy SEAL is worth 15 men. The Green Beret just sat their all this time saying nothing, quietly stoking the fire with his johnson.

  16. #65
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    A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Oklahoma. He shot and dropped a bird,
    but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the
    lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and
    asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it
    fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    Oklahoma. We settle small disagreements like this with the Oklahoma Three
    Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

    The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I
    kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and
    forth until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
    could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
    attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot
    into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the
    midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister
    was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him
    face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

    Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot.
    Now it's my turn."






    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

  17. #66
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    Saw This One On Xd

    Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
    "No, Daddy.
    She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But, honey, you haven't
    got an Uncle Paul."
    "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
    right now."
    Brief Pause.
    "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
    down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
    Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
    "Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
    A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the
    phone. "I did it Daddy."
    "And what happened, honey?" he asked.
    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
    clothes on, and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her
    head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"
    "Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
    "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was
    all scared, and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But
    I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He
    hit the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead."
    ***Long Pause***
    ***Longer Pause***
    ***Even Longer Pause***
    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . Is this 486-5731?"
    __________________
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  18. #67
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    A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

    Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"

    The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

  19. #68
    Grayfox is offline Junior Member
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    Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One "smart" student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

    Titanic: $29.99
    Clinton: $29.99
    Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
    Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
    Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
    Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
    Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
    Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
    Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
    Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
    Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
    Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
    Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
    Clinton: Let's not go there.
    Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
    Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
    Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
    Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
    Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
    Clinton: Monica.....ooh, let's not go there, either.
    Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
    Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing.

  20. #69
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    Im still laughing so hard my stomach hurts, That is a GOOD one grayfox

  21. #70
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    Walmart was hiring a new greeter and they had it down to four people. So the interviewer calls the four people into his office and sits them down.

    "Now, I am going to ask you all one question, and you need to answer it as best you can. Whoever has the best answer gets the job. What is the fastest thing you know of?"

    The first person says, "Well, I think it would have to be a thought because it just comes to you like that."

    The interviewer nods. "Good answer. How about you, what is the fastest thing you know of?"

    "I would have to say the blink of an eye, because it happens and you don't even know it."

    Nodding again he asks the third person.

    "I remember when I was a kid I would wake up in the morning and turn on a switch outside, and way off across the field a light would suddenly come on. So I would have to say light is the fastest thing I know of."

    The interviewer nods, thinking he has found the winner. But there is one more to go. The last person is old Bubba.

    "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

    "Well, sir, I'd have to say it is diarrhea."

    "Diarrhea?! What are you talking about?"

    "Well, sir, about a week ago I ate something that didn't really agree with me, and before I could think, blink, or turn on a light I done crapped all over myself!"

  22. #71
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    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

    The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

    The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

    The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

    And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

  23. #72
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    When you have an "I hate my job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at the pharmacy, go to the thermometers section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Best Thermo". Be very sure you get this brand.

    When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

    Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Best Thermo is personally tested." Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Best Thermo Company."

  24. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

    The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

    The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

    The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

    And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

    Good one.

  25. #74
    Shipwreck's Avatar
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    I just flipped thru all of the jokes again. There are several very funny jokes

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