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  1. #26
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    After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

    The Pope says, "What can I do?"

    The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

    The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

    After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

    And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

    So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

    The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

    So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
    The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

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  3. #27
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    Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

    British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

    Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"

  4. #28
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    In an old Texas cowtown, the gunfighter pushed through the batwing doors and paused, and with a sneer, surveyed the saloon's patrons.

    "Allright," he snarled, "All you lilly livered pansys on this side of the room. And all you yellow bellied pantywaists on the other!"

    Within seconds the bar room was divided. The gunfighter grunted and clomped to the bar, spurs jingling. Leaning over the bar he heard a shuffling behind him. He turned just in time to see a little man straighten himself.
    He glared at him.

    "I was on the wrong side of the room," he explained.


    Bob Wright

  5. #29
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    There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

    After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

    Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

    During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

    To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"

  6. #30
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    Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
    Socialism: You have two cows. State takes one and gives it to someone else.
    Communism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you as much milk as you need.
    Bureaucratic Communism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you as much milk as the regulations say you should need.
    Bureaucracy: You have two cows. State regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both cows, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
    Fascism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sells you milk.
    Nazism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoots you.
    Liberalism: You have two cows. State doesn’t care whether you exist, let alone your cows.
    Capitalism:
    You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

  7. #31
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    Wonderful, Denny.........

  8. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie
    Wonderful, Denny.........
    Ya like that one, huh?

  9. #33
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    Makes me want to go mow the grass.

  10. #34
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    An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that.

    The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only."

  11. #35
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    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi met for their weekly round of golf. At about the fifth hole, they caught up to the group in front of them. Thay waited for that group to finish and then teed off. As they played the next few holes, they were held up more and more.

    They called a groundskeeper over and asked him to ask the group in front if they could play through. The groundskeeper told them he would, as the group consisted of mostly blind people who were playing.

    The priest said, "Blind golfers? That's so incredible, I'm going to pray for them for a month."

    The minister said, "Blind golfers? That's so inspiring, I'm going to write a sermon about them."

    The rabbi said, "Blind golfers? What, they couldn't play at night?"


  12. #36
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    A priest and a rabbi are walking in the woods when a naked little boy runs by. The priest says to the rabbit, "Lets go screw that little boy." The rabbi responds, "Out of what?"


    -=Whittey=-

  13. #37
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    Tony died and was sent to be judged. He was told that he had cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this woman, pretending to be happy.

    As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

    Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos saw their friend Jon up ahead, with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, Tony and Carlos asked Jon how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these awful women. Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, 'Damn income taxes!'"

  14. #38
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    The lady was taking her ease in her modern, attractive suburban home one afternoon when there was a knock at the door. People seldom dropped in at this time of day, so she went more out of curiosity. Standing there was a youngish man, apparently down on his luck.

    "Ma'am, I'm not wanting a handout, but if I could do some work for you, I'd sure appreciate it. I haven't had work, and, well, I need some money for food."

    "Well, I don't know......"

    "Please, Ma'am, just any odd job that would earn me a few dollars."

    "Oh, I know. You can paint my porch. I have some enamel and brushes in the carport. Fifteen dollars?"

    "Yes, Ma'am. And thank you."

    A couple of hours later, the man announced he was finished.

    "And by the way, Ma'am, its not a Porsche, its a Ferrari."

    Bob Wright
    Last edited by Bob Wright; 07-05-2006 at 11:46 AM.

  15. #39
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    There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

    So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".

  16. #40
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    Funny, true, and from Texas

    My wife and I were vacationing and went to a Baptist Church in Grandbury, Texas. I heard this related:

    The couple had retired and were looking for a retirement community. The head of the household was a devout Christian man, and always made big decisions a matter of prayer. He felt that the Lord's direction was to move into a center near Grandbury.

    After the move, into an area called, as I remember it, Pecan Grove, the wife began to experience severe allergy symptoms. After testing, her doctor found she was allergic to pollen from pecan trees.

    Her husband mused, "I'm sure the Lord's direction was to Grandbury."

    His wife responded, "You didn't have your hearing aid in. The Lord didn't say 'Grandbury,' He said 'GRAND PRAIRIE!"

    Bob Wright

  17. #41
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    A young lady was out for a drive in the country one warm summer afternoon. She was far away from everybody, good road, car hugging the gentle curves, sun shining down with pretty warm rays. She crossed a small wooden bridge over a cool pleasant running stream. "That looks inviting," she though to herself.

    No one being around, she parked and walked far enough not to be seen from the road, she went skinny dipping. Soon she was aware of the presence of a young country boy, sitting near her neatly piled clothing.

    He sat. And sat.

    Frustrated, she found an old No.2 wash tub submerged in the creek bed. Digging it out and grasping it by the handles, she shielded herself with it and confronted the youth.

    "Young man, do you know what I think?" she demanded angrily.

    "Yes, Ma'am," replied the boy. "You think that tub has a bottom."

    Bob Wright

  18. #42
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    An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.

    After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

    They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

  19. #43
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    An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

    On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.

    During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!"

    The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"

  20. #44
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    While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

    They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

    The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
    The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

    Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
    The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

    The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
    The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

    This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
    The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

  21. #45
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    Two employees for the gas company were at a house call.

    The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
    "Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.

    "How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger employee.

    With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an eldery woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

  22. #46
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    A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. At the end of his first day on the job his boss fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
    "One," said the young salesman.
    "Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
    "100,000 dollars," said the young man.
    "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

    "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

    The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

    "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

  23. #47
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    one more...
    ........
    ........
    A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?"

    A voice answers, "A blind salesman."

    The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"

  24. #48
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    A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

    The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

    "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

    "Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

    "What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

    "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

  25. #49
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    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

  26. #50
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    A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

    Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

    The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

    "The second rose is from my nurse . She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

    "And what about the third rose?" she asked.

    "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

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