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Thread: Redneck Humor

  1. #1
    Todd is offline Banned
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    Talking Redneck Humor

    Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners
    • Never take a beer to a job interview.
    • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
    • It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
    • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
    • Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
    Dining Out
    • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
    • Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
    Entertaining In Your Home
    • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
    • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
    Personal Hygiene
    • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
    • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
    • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
    Dating (outside the family)
    • Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
    • Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
    • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
    • Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
    Weddings
    • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
    • Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
    • It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
    Driving Etiquette
    • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
    • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
    • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
    • Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
    • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
    Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
    • All the DNA is the same.
    • There are no dental records

  2. #2
    JeffWard's Avatar
    JeffWard is offline Senior Member
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    Reminds me of home...

    Hense, why I skipped the 20 yr reunion/kegger/pot-luck...

    Jeff

  3. #3
    Todd is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by JeffWard View Post
    Reminds me of home...

    Hense, why I skipped the 20 yr reunion/kegger/pot-luck...

    Jeff
    Where's you sense of adventure?

  4. #4
    unpecador's Avatar
    unpecador is offline Senior Member HGF Gold Member
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    Talking Redneck Mansion


  5. #5
    niadhf's Avatar
    niadhf is online now Senior Member
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    Hey, when were YOU at my house lol

  6. #6
    jeb21 is offline Member
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    Cruel, funny but cruel

  7. #7
    tony pasley's Avatar
    tony pasley is offline Senior Member
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    Never mind you said redneck not hillbilly.

  8. #8
    tekhead1219's Avatar
    tekhead1219 is offline Senior Member
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    Darwin Awards

    Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
    Here is the glorious winner:

    1.
    When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:

    2.
    The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

    3.
    A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4.
    After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5.
    An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6.
    A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

    7.
    Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8.
    As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9.
    The Ann Arbour News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

    10.
    When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
    In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

  9. #9
    Todd is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by tekhead1219 View Post
    Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
    Here is the glorious winner:

    1.
    When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:

    2.
    The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

    3.
    A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4.
    After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5.
    An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6.
    A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

    7.
    Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8.
    As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9.
    The Ann Arbour News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

    10.
    When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
    In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.


  10. #10
    TOF's Avatar
    TOF
    TOF is offline Senior Member
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    Northern Arizona
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    A Gene Pool cleansing is obviously needed.

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