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  1. #1
    hawcer's Avatar
    hawcer is offline Member
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    Smile Smart Lawyers???

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
    and
    are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
    now
    published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
    these
    exchanges were actually taking place.
    -----------------------
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
    at
    all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
    you
    forgot?
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
    that
    morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
    in
    voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
    his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is
    he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
    8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can
    I
    get a new attorney?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
    on
    dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
    you
    like to rephrase that?
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
    you
    go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
    doing an autopsy on him!
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
    _______________________ _______________

    --- And the best for last: ---
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
    check
    for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
    when
    you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
    nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
    and
    practicing law.

  2. #2
    Gunerd Guest
    Yep, the best was the last one!

  3. #3
    Mike Barham's Avatar
    Mike Barham is offline Senior Member
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    I am completely slain.

    That's flippin' hilarious.
    Employed by Galco Gunleather - www.galcogunleather.com / Veteran OEF VIII

    Donate to the Christian and Stephanie Nielson Recovery fund: http://www.nierecovery.com/.

    All opinions, particularly those involving politics and Glocks, are mine and not Galco's.

  4. #4
    bps3040's Avatar
    bps3040 is offline Member
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    Some of those are priceless. Funny

  5. #5
    Baldy's Avatar
    Baldy is offline Senior Member
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    Thumbs up


  6. #6
    gmaske's Avatar
    gmaske is offline Senior Member
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    Quite enjoyable.....but very scary too!

  7. #7
    niadhf's Avatar
    niadhf is online now Senior Member
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    More more...

    "Smart Lawyers??? "
    next you will post about the honest politicians?

  8. #8
    K Bob is offline Junior Member
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    The scary thing is that they probably are some of the SMART lawers and future democratic leaders.

  9. #9
    john doe. is offline Banned
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    Funny!

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