Previously, you haven't made a particularly good impression in me. Most of that has to do with your need to use expletives like "shit" and "small dicks" for emphasis.
But now, Jake, all that is forgiven!
This post of yours shows maturity, intelligence, and forethought, and delivers some of the best advice I've ever read, on how to handle a non-lethal attack.
I am in awe!
...But still, please leave out the bodily functions. You have certainly shown us that you don't need to use them to make your point.